Spring semester has come to a close, and I am anxiously awaiting my grades. I've worked hard this term. I feel I deserve A's in both of my classes, and I couldn't be prouder of myself for the effort I've put into my studies this time around!
I recently reassessed my commitment to my education and found motivation I never knew I could have. For those of you who may not be familiar with my academic history, it's sufficient to say that it has been less than stellar (in short, I've been a colossal slacker).
My outstanding progress notwithstanding, I just wish there was a way to wash the slate clean. I keep telling Preston that someday our kids may struggle with school, and this will give me empathy, but sometimes I hear comments about people who make mistakes in college, and I feel an overwhelming sense of deep, abiding, burning shame. These mistakes will haunt me my entire life.
It stings at times to be married to the boy genius and try to make peace with all my academic missteps. I well remember the vulnerable moment during our engagement when I tearfully admitted to him that we would have to pay out of pocket for my schooling until I could raise my GPA enough to be eligible for Financial Aid. As kind and understanding as he was, I realized that this is one thing he might never understand completely. He has never failed.
Which leads me to ponder upon the meaning and value of failure.
I feel that my mistakes have conspired to make me stronger and more committed than I might otherwise be. In working through my plan of attack for getting back on track, I have discovered resiliency, determination, faith in myself, and hope that things will turn out the way I need them to. I have learned invaluable lessons about myself, including the way I learn and what actually motivates me (no, really, it takes more than you might think).
It has, of course, crossed my mind that this line of thinking may be little more than self-soothing for my battered ego, but it keeps me going. And with the finish line in sight, there's not much that's more soothing than the knowledge that I can do what I set out to do, even if I did end up taking the long way around.
I'll see you in my cap and gown, August 2010!!!
4 comments:
Hooray! Good for you. :) Enjoy your short break between semesters! (Actually, it's probably already over, isn't it?)
Oh, I wish I was graduating! Good luck with getting through all of your classes next year. I will be in school pretty much for the rest of my life. These babies tend to be time suckers and taking 12 credits a sem just doesn't cut it...I'm even doing summer school. You are so very lucky to see that light at the end of the tunnel.
Way to go Kristyn!!
Go Kristyn! I had no idea you struggled at all with school. I can definitely understand though because my sister is similar; she is absolutely BRILLIANT and TALENTED beyond measure, and as such she has a hard time conforming to standardized tests and classrooms designed to produce cookie-cutter students. Don't you ever let anyone tell you you're not good enough! You rock and I'm proud of you :)
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